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I am sure this is nothing new to anyone and, sadly, not a unique situation. But I’m very new to dating and am just floored by some of the situation I’ve found myself in. I’m incredibly selective but I’m realizing I don’t think that buffers it much. My most recent date has just had me furious over all of it.
I had a dinner and a movie date with a guy I had been talking to for nearly a month but hadn’t met yet. I went to the movie to watch the actual movie and ignored his more blatant advances. He was getting himself hot and bothered over the most ridiculous things, like even telling me the way I was eating my slurpie was sexy. What?
Finally comes time to leave and he’s insisting I go home with him. I told him no I had an early morning the next day. He already knew this. He tells me to give him three good reasons. To keep the situation light, since ultimately I don’t know this guy and it’s after midnight in a mostly empty parking lot I talk with him about it instead of being too firm. I gave him 4 reasons, he told me they weren’t good reasons. He told me multiple times it wasn’t fair. At one point he’s trying to physically pull me through the parking lot towards his car. I told him if these were jokes they weren’t terribly funny. And so he resolved to walk me to my car where he tells me again my reasons were not good ones and it wasn’t fair. (And this wasn’t over money because he paid for dinner but I paid for the movie. It just wasn’t fair because he got himself all worked up about me without any actual help from me. I was not coming on to him.) At one point because I’m shivering he tries to make the move for both of us to get in my car and I told him no I’ll be leaving. I get in my car, lock it and receive a text from him to follow him. And I drove my ass away before he could see which way I went.
It makes me appreciate the guys who will insist that there are no physical expectations, that take the time to reassure each step we take is okay with me and that they aren’t being too pushy. That take the time to establish what their motives are and where their head is, whatever the case may be. And it makes me so terribly sad that they are so few and far between when those truly decent men should be the norm.
Edit: I really appreciate all the supportive comments. You are all amazing. I’m absolutely loving some of the snarky comebacks too. Just brilliant. I wanted to follow up with some things:
Fairness: was entirely about how he was not going to have sex after being turned on. And he REALLY struggled here. This ordeal was about 20-30 minutes in the parking lot and there were moments where he just stood there, thinking. Like he couldn’t figure it out.
My reasons: I gave him was my early morning (1), that it was a first date and I purposely didn’t shave for that reason (2 & 3), and that he was not the only man I was talking to, and since I prefer not to sleep around I will not be going to bed with anyone until I know who I’d like to continue seeing (4). The most important part about this is that he knew #4 for about a week prior to our date. We discussed what we were each looking for over the phone. And I made it very clear i am looking to be dated not FWBs.
Sexual Behaviors: he was a total and complete gentleman up until the movie. I honestly don’t know y’all. Would not have brought up a movie otherwise.
The next day: So here I struggled because I wanted to immediately block him on everything and ghost. But I struggled with actually listing out where he went wrong as a learning opportunity for him. Ultimately I decided that if he wanted to hear me he would have heard me that night telling him that if these weren’t jokes it wasn’t okay. I’m sure they weren’t. He texted me the next day saying he had fun and made a reference to him going home horny that honestly came off as a guilt trip. I told him that we weren’t going to see each other again because we want different things and then I blocked him on everything. I’m kind of regretting not setting him straight TBH
Got suckered into hosting one of my bf's friends for a day or so while theyre in town on business.
It seemed to go well, until it didn't.
I have an early morning, so I suggested instead of going out and getting drunk, that we have some Baileys and coffee and call it an early night.
This was a TERRIBLE plan.
As soon as he crossed the threshold to my spot, he went from "cute friend of BF" to "entry-level serial rapist."
After pouring some coffee and staring to add some Baileys, he snuck up behind me and pinned me to my kitchen countertop.
So I grabbed a knife, pointed it at him and barked /screamed for him to leave. He didnt seem to believe me, until I forehead butted him away from my face and kicked/brandished the knife until he left out of my door. He STILL kept talking so I just kept screaming and barking orders at him to leave and for some one to call the police.
The cops showed up as he was waiting for the security gate to open up.
I have a card from the cop I made the report to. Im not sure what to make of this.
I'm happy to be safe.
Hello everyone, I'm literally the happiest person today. When I was 17 I started dating this guy from my church, I had just moved from Brazil and didn't know anyone or how to speak english, and he was very nice to me. Everything seemed perfect until we got married 4 years ago. I was still in college, and I had no personal life because everything I did was with him, all my friends were his friends, he never approved my friendships, I could never do anything after school, was school to home and that's it. Things got even worse when he started to be both mentally and physically abusive.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, we just looked so happy in pictures and even in person, but on the inside I was dying. I ended up going to the hospital twice for attempted suicide, the last time I was in there for a while. I was on antidepressants, sleeping pills, anxiety pills and I didn't even feel like myself anymore, I just wanted to die.
After the last time I went to the hospital and all the therapy and talking I did there I realized that I had to leave, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was 21, about to finish college, and had a great future ahead of me. It took me a while, but on Valentine's Day of 2017 during dinner I finally said it, I said I wanted a divorce and from there I went to my sister's house and packed my things when he wasn't home.
Now, two years later, I finally signed my divorce papers and I feel so free. Last year I moved to a different state, found a great job, made new friends, started a great and healthy relationship. I really mean it when I say I never imagined I could be this happy with my life.
To everyone going through a bad and abusive relationship: it gets better, you CAN leave and you CAN be happy.
In college, I worked as a manager for a fast food chain. This location was set in the middle of a bunch of bars on the college campus, and we stayed open well after bar close to feed the excessively drunk college kids.
Of course, the job sucked. I was the youngest, the only female, and also in charge. I would frequently work the register to deal with the entitled, drunk kids, while my amazing staff would dish out the food. The sexual harassment from drunk frat boys was dizzying at first, but I needed money to pay for college. All of my staff thought I was “so brave and strong” to take it in strides.
One night, a group of loud, drunk boys walked in. It seemed like any other night. They were saying how beautiful my makeup was, and one reached over the counter to touch my hair/face. I just took a deep breath and asked, “what do you want?”
“What I want is to know the name of the cutie in the visor,” said one of them, with a stupid, drunk smirk on his face. His friends laughed and I just rolled my eyes.
Without missing a beat, my male employee (who was also wearing a visor), looked up at him and said, “My name is Nick. What’s your name, handsome?” He even threw in a wink!
The collective laughing and shaming (in the way only frat bros can do to each other) that ensued gave me the extra energy to finish that shift. The instant blushing really sealed it for me. I have plenty of stories from my time there, but this one comes to mind every now and again and makes me smile.
I had my noise cancelling headphones on. I was not looking for conversation. You were though, and you thought I was a perfect candidate.
You waved your hand in my peripheral to get my attention. Because I am not an impolite person, I removed the left ear of my headphone to see what you needed from me. Nothing, you needed nothing. You simply thought “hey, I want to talk to this girl, she’s got her headphones on but that’s okay, she will definitely want to talk to me.”
You asked about the tattoos on my hands and their significance. I gave a quick explanation and promptly replaced my headphone.
Again, a wave in my peripheral.
This time I would not be polite. I have allowed intrusive men on the train to disturb my commute home on far too many occasions because I didn’t want to come across as “bitchy.” But I can refuse to talk to someone I don’t want to talk to. I don’t have to engage in pleasantries with someone who has clearly ignored all indicators that I would like to be left alone.
I am not here to satisfy the wants of men.
“Sorry dude, but I’m not looking for conversation. I just worked 12 hours and just want to listen to my music and get home.”
(I shouldn’t have said sorry, I had nothing to be sorry about. I will remember that for next time.)
Then you surprised me.
I hear it a lot. "Nobody is pro abortion! We all want fewer abortions!"
Those things are not mutually exclusive. Preventative medicine is always better than reactive medicine. I'm all for reducing the number of abortions, but not because abortion is some horrible thing that needs to be prevented for moral reasons. It's not immoral to get an abortion. I'm for reducing the number of abortions because it's a medical procedure addressing a preventable medical condition.
I'm pro heart transplant. I'm pro drug rehab. I'm pro physical therapy. I'm pro knee replacement surgery.
And I'm pro abortion.
Edit: don't gild/silver this post. Donate to Planned Parenthood instead: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/get-involved/other-ways-give
Also I should've linked this from the beginning but if you disagree with this position please read this, it's much better put than I could ever explain it:
Wrong link lol
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